Wednesday, December 17, 2008

BIGGER THAN ME

It wasn't until last Sunday night when the ref skated by the bench bitching about the recent blog, or should I say lack there of, that I realized that this seemingly mindless publication is bigger then me. Now I have stuck to a number of excuses lately, like..."I have been busy at work", or..."I have two kids", or..."I have been busy dominating my fantasy hockey league". Well truth is, there is no excuse except negligence. And for taking away that once a week special treat where you slip into your authentic Crush jersey autographed by Levi Shugart, crack that 16oz PBR, and stuff one hand down your pants , I apologize....ENOUGH ALREADY, I said it....now let's get back to shit talkin' the opposition!

First I would like to give a shout out to the rec. league aka the future home of the Green Machine. Make room Pertzy, after Sunday night Green is going to need a rebuilding season with the rest of the puck lunchers. Seriously though, what happened to the former Crush keeper of the pipes, JLD Skinner?  I have seen him get pumped in his last two outings. If he your fantasy goalie I am sure you have contemplated suicide. After leaving the Crush a couple years ago it has been all down hill for Long Dong. Why did he leave the Crush you ask? Why did he leave the endless pampering, the free beer, the cute girls chubby friends, the bottomless drinking from the MoDak Cup? Who knows, but I hope it was worth it. I just hope he's not paying a  shrink once a week to talk about how pimpin' he used to be. I know where my friends go to get something off their chest and/or drink because of the pain..you guessed it...the Crush locker room. Not just dick and fart jokes anymore, we are actually changing lives. Home to three 18 packs after the late game on Sunday night. Now that is a bunch of guys who aren't worried about starting their week off with a pounding headache. Blah, blah, blah...where was I...I am a little rusty at this. Oh yeah, Green Machine sucks donkey ballz...

Game went something like this. Stoney scored the first goal of the game unassisted and proceeded to celebrate with his patented double arm raise...in your face Skinner! The rest of the game was fairly lack luster until late in the third. The was an unexplainable turnover in the offensive zone and the result was some green guy on a break away. This is where is gets good. Cody "Boom Boom" Bart chases this kid down (half his age) and proceeds to sacrifice his own body by diving and saving what was sure to be a game changing goal and/or shot on net. The result was a penalty shot. Dangle dangle dangle poop your breezers...stoned by Broadbrige. Get serious, you better bring a better move than that. Game Over...8-3...Crush win.

I need to give shout outs to Chris "Nasty" Gomer and Chris "The Earl" Edmunds, as both former Crush vets stepped in over the holidays and dawned the Crush blue. They both have been bitching about not seeing their names on the net in a while, so there you go. Call your wife/girlfriend and tell her you were published. Should be good for at least a handy???

BOX SCORE: 8-2

First Period:

1.  Stoney (unassisted)
-   Green
2.  Beanzy (Darby, Levi)
3.  Darby (Levi)

Second Period:

4.  Swenson (Darby, Eric)
5.  Levi (Beanzy)

Third Period:

6.  Beanzy (Stoney, Darby, Bart...)
7.  Stoney (Beanzy, Darby)
-   Green
8.  Darby (Levi)

Game MVP: Stoney

Next Game:  Saturday Dec. 20th @ 1:30pm versus Phat Pharm
Beerman:  not sure, check your schedule
   

Monday, December 08, 2008

ROCKY MOUNTAIN SPORTS REPORT

November 29, 2008


CRUSH VS Big Sky


As a point of introduction, I am the substitute… the man holding the bag…. sitting at a desk all alone…because the greatest sports writer of all time “Cody Bartz” put family first and went on a Turkey Holiday…leaving me to pick up the pieces…to write about a team of such talent they will never be duplicated …that team….the MIGHTY CRUSH! But amongst all of this hype, behind the scenes, in the CRUSH locker room, I would guess there will be dissension tonight. Cody Bartz has left town and taken the coveted MVP stick. With the rules the captain himself has set forth, he will be ineligible to play the next four games and will be cleaning toilet bowls at the rink.


But, the buzz around town was that the MIGHTY CRUSH were looking for revenge against the notorious Big Sky. The bar keepers along main street, from the “Rockin’ R” to the “Cannery”, knew business would be slow during game time….but if the MIGHTY CRUSH (home town favorites) came out on top, the juices would be flowing late into the night…..


When I showed up an hour before the game, the line into the arena was backed up to the hog barn. Fans were pushing and shoving through the pot holes in the parking lot…anxiously vying for the best seats in the house. I slipped through the side door hoping to elude the paparazzi that would be lurking, looking for an interview. On the chalk board, it was MIGHTY CRUSH, Locker room “A”….Big Sky Locker room “C”. Even the rink manager was pulling for the CRUSH. Earlier that night, on CNN, the manager was quoted…. “Ken the Plumber worked on this rink. When he shows up, his team automatically gets locker room “A”. Its faster hot water ‘cause its closest to the water heater. After the game, his team can get showered sooner, so as not to keep the news media waitin’….and Carl Swenson can hook up with the girls real quick.”


As I was stealthily working my way to the “A” locker room, a good looking CNN anchor woman stepped out from the shadows with a black headed microphone and before I could get away, blurted out “Wild Thing, are you looking for revenge?” “No ma’am, I’m looking for a great hockey game. I’m looking for that little puck to dance on the ice. I’m looking for that exhilarating feeling when two teams square off. I’m looking for the crowd’s roar to drown out the world’s woes.” “Did you come out of retirement for this rematch?” “No, I didn’t retire. When Patrick Broadbridge retires, then maybe I’ll hang up my skates. Until that happens, I don’t plan on breaking the chain!”


And tonight the stage was set once again. CRUSH vs. Big Sky. A sellout crowd! To quiet things down, Big Sky would take an early lead with a goal from Chris Hriskovian. In the early days of Ice Dog Hockey, he was a fan favorite (and my wife’s)…..the only player on the ice with facial hair. (Correct me if I am wrong, but besides Cliff the Zamboni driver, Hertig and Wilky, I can’t think of another Old Ice Dog that made the Hotty CRUSH girls take a second look). Wild Thing, being jealous of the attention Hriskovian was getting, with 20 seconds remaining in the first, tied up Cassale in front, and Julian answered top shelf. End of the first: MIGHTY CRUSH 1, Big Sky 1. Tom Cassale promptly had words with the ref…to no avail.


To start out the second, with Net minder Broadbridge home, under the weather, the crowd encouraged the fill-in goalie, chanting “Skinny, Skinny Skinny!” He answered their call with CRUSH style defense….pucks only in the opponents net! Living the dream, CRUSH’S Chris Gomez, another new talent visiting over the holidays, lit up the scoreboard like a neon light! Whatever Patrick Broadbridge paid for this guy was not enough! By the end of the second frame every woman in the house knew he deserved a CRUSH jersey! Two goals, one top shelf, one left side low….to put the CRUSH up 3-1. Between periods, single girls of all ages crammed the tunnel leading to the locker room in hopes of catching a glimpse of the new CRUSH star! Security men pushed thru the crowd to lead a few members of the team for a beer break. Gomez stayed on the ice, basking in the glory of wearing “Blue” instead of “Green”. Levi Shugart claimed he had only witnessed this much pandemonium one time (reminiscing about his thrilling game on February 4th last year.).


The third period saw another goal by Hriskovian. CRUSH by one. The crowd fretted. But another CRUSH star in the limelight steps up! After a back handed pass along the boards from Wild Thing, Julian would whistle in all alone to seal the game with a quick left side goal. 4-2 CRUSH! The crowd had another idol! With six minutes remaining, the girls chanted “Julian, we want three! We want three!” Their cheers echoed off the walls in a thunderous roar! (With his mind in the gutter, Julian knew he was packing more than three!)

At the buzzer, girls of every denomination raced onto the ice. This was a classic brawl…and they wanted in on the action. The referees did what they were supposed to do…they calmed them down. Teams shook hands, girls stood idly by, waiting for the post game celebration. Carl Swenson donned his “Stars and Stripes” shirt and informed a large throng of girls that after his obligatory Busch Lite with the team, he would emerge from the locker room with his matching “snapping pants”.


And the Absentee MVP stick goes to Julian! And Cody Bartz got the plunger!


Signed: Ken Williams

Friday, November 14, 2008

Fantasy Update: Week 5

Without further a due, let's check in on the Crush and see how things have been going thus far. After the slow start the Crush freshman class has adapted well with this new style of play. If you want to skate with the Crush all you need to know are a few simple rules. Rule #1: No mercy. The Crush will run up the score on any team at any time w/out any remorse for peoples feelings. In one particular game last season (the score was well into double digits) some clown asked star forward, Levi Shugart, "Is this fun for you guys". Let me just say it took everything in Shuggi-Bear's power not to blow a gut laughing. The answer is: YES! Of course it is fun scoring an obscene number of goals and then comparing ridiculous stats in the locker room over beers. C'mon, this is men's league, this is all we have left... Rule #2: Beerman. If you are beerman, you are responsible for quenching the the powerful thirst of the Crush players on that given morning/night. We would prefer that the beer be to the rink at least thirty minutes prior to the game. The d-men call this time "stretching" or "warm-ups". Rule #3: MVP Stick. Much like rule #2 the coveted MVP trophy is required to be at all Crush games. No exceptions. That's about it...there are a few rules in the works like mandatory passing to the point, shooting instead of passing to Levi on 2-on-1's, not looking directly at Mufasa in the shower, etc. These and any other rules can only be implemented by majority vote, so they are, at this point, unlikely.

To avoid any hate mail, let's take a minute to recap the last Crush game versus Green. I know this is the point where I usually trash talk the losers, but the Kama Sutra master himself, P. M. Broadbridge, is pushing for a more positive attitude throughout the organization. So....good game green machine....thanks for the funny....And this is the point where I usually add that funny one liner that makes or breaks this weeks blog, and I can't resist. Former Crush netminder, Josh "L.D." Skinner saw more rubber than his new girlfriend when she unrolled her first Trojan Magnum..HI-YO!

NEWS UPDATE:

Self appointed gift to women, Cody "Boom-Goes-The-Dynamite" Bart is still listed as day-to-day. Although he skated on a bum ankle last week he has not fully recovered. Any side to side movement w/out proper medication is very painful. He may be in line-up tomorrow night, but at a limited role.

Side Notes:

Early stat numbers are in and surprisingly Shuggi-Bear has been dethroned for the time being in the points race. Levi is currently in second place, but that doesn't mean much as he only trails rookie, Ry-Guy Nelson, by a single tally. I recommend not playing Levi's line mates this week in fantasy hockey. The weather forecast calls for rain...w/out the chance of Levi passing.

BOX SCORE:

First Period:

- Green
1. Levi (Darby)
2. Darby (Beanzy, Levi)
- Green

Second Period:

3. Stanley (Wade, Ryland)
4. Carl G. (Wade, Stoney)
5. Levi (Darby, Bondo)
- Green
6. Beanzy (Levi)

Third Period:

7. Ryland (Stoney, Stanley)
8. Bondo (Beanzy)

Game MVP: Conor Darby

Next Game: Saturday Nov. 15th @ 10:30pm versus Phat Farm (WHO?)

Beerman: Tony Martel (I have doubted him in the past and he was offended...)



Monday, November 03, 2008

MVP Stick - MIA?

The early birds failed to catch the Crush last Friday in the first morning skate of the season. The Crush were led by veteran left winger, Monty Trottier. Monty credits his early morning success to an off ice training regiment. "When the puck drops at 6:30am you can safely bet that I have already jogged six miles, done 100 push-ups, 50 jump squats, and a session of 30-minute abs", Monty states. This guy is being modest, what he failed to mention is that he ran six miles up hill carrying his hockey bag and finished the session of 30-minute abs in a mere 22 minutes. Trottier generally arrives to the rink sipping his second protein shake and listening to AC/DC. Look out Adrian Pederson, I hear Cytosport may be after Monty for their next Muscle Milk spokesman! Monty registered three goal and one assist in Friday's game. With the human highlight reel, Levi Shugart, helping out on the blue line; there was an opportunity for someone else to step up.....Trottier gladly accepted the challenge. Although a points minded Shugart tried to rush the puck each shift, he was held to a lonely single assist. Which is more than I can say for Beanzy, who decided that making pizza at night is a good enough excuse to skip the early games...Unbelievable, especially when the Crush are looking for Polzin to be a leader. As for the Super Cocks, thanks for showing up guys, it was better than playing with ourselves....

While we are on the subject of laziness, selfishness, and lack of respect let's talk about sophomore defenseman, Eric Swenson. Swenson does add to improving the defensive core when he shows up. However, there are two things that really make for an unpleasant locker room experience. First, is obviously lack of beer, running low on beer, running out of beer, etc. Friday morning beer man was listed as Tom Soucek. Souch was present, but the beer was not. I may not speak for everyone, but I bet there are a few guys who would gladly enjoy an adult beverage at 6:30am. Second, and a far more serious offense, is the absence of the coveted MVP stick. I will give Swenson a hall pass on the first occurrence, as he was attending a funeral. But this second time was the last straw. The rule clearly states, "If said recipient of the glorious MVP stick will not be in attendance at the following game, he/she is responsible for making arrangements, such that, the MVP stick will be, and always will be, in attendance". This may or may not be a big deal to some, but what about for that douche bag d-man who has a career night and is honored by a pat on the back and an imaginary MVP trophy. I can easily see this guy crying himself to sleep and stroking the empty space between him and the wife where the MVP stick should be....STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF HERE! Anyways I have to give my nomination for this game MVP to Monty Trottier, so Eric....don't say sorry to me, say sorry to Monty. And for committing this crime it has been deemed by the league that you be fined one case of beer. This case should be stored in your vehicle at all times for the remainder of the season. In the event of a beer deficit, this case may be called upon by a gathering of at least four or more Crush members.

BREAKING NEWS:

Self appointed Capt., Cody Bart, is currently listed as day-to-day after Friday's game. The organization has released word of a potential high ankle sprain. Bart's return for next Sunday's game is questionable. Some post game chatter leads us to believe that Bart deserved it. "Anytime you time you attempt three toe drags on the d-side of your own hash marks you should suffer a high ankle sprain", commented Crush temporary d-man, Levi Shugart. In any event, just short of setting a d-zone deke record in front of the net Bart was laid out by his own partner, Kenny "Wildthing" Williams. "Ken The Plumber" was unavailable for comment following the game. Kenny has since reached out to his defense partner and has assured fans that it was in deed an accident....Would the Cocks pay Williams to take out Bart.....Why wouldn't they take out someone better at hockey? Only time will tell as this on ice drama unfolds...

Side Notes:

The Crush have narrowed the results for a new team logo. With the new logo comes a new team identity. We are currently seeking a team member to step up and take charge of the new jersey project. The new sweaters could either be sponsored by a local business or paid for by the team. Also we are looking for creative individuals to initiate the CrushTV project. CrushTV would allow for player profiles, one ice interviews, post game interviews, and the coveted Crush locker room chat to be available on youtube.

BOX SCORE:

First Period

1. Darby (Soucek)
2. Stoney (Ryland, Monty)
3. Monty (unassisted)


Second Period

4. Monty (Stoney, Ryland)

Third Period

5. Darby (Levi)
- Cocks
6. Monty (Stoney)

Next Game: Sunday Nov. 9th @ 4:30pm versus the Green Machine (aka Gang Bang).
Beerman: Pete Bondo (we haven't seen Pete yet this season, so Eric & Soucek have beer ready)





Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Broadbridge Returns - Winning Resumes!

It has been rumored that the Crush dropped a heart breaking season opener (3-2) to the big strong men in yellow from the Big Sky region. Searching for this game online returns no results leading me to believe it never actually happened...

Beating the Norsemen last Sunday, however, did actually happen and this blogger was there to gather the goods for another long winded game recap...

The first period was the true test. Would the Crush bounce back from an alleged loss to Big Sky, or would they start the season off 0-2 for the first time since...well...forever. C'mon now, look at the headlines...of course we won. The first period was a rough road for some (Crush defensemen), but not for veteran center Matt "Beanzy" Polzin. Beanzy scored 3 of 5 in the first period to give the Crush a one goal lead going into the second. You heard me, we let the other team score. Sometimes giving the other team a few unanswered goals is the only thing to keep them around for the full hour. After that was out of our system we went 13 straight. Aah..we needed that! The Canadian beer does taste better after a win.

Letter to the Editor:

Dear Norsemen,

Don't go selling your gear just yet, the Crush may lose again (allegedly) this season. If and when that may happen I'm sure they will be calling you for a pick-up game to lift their spirits.

Love, Blue Crush.

Let's take a minute and talk about how the Crush forwards really look this season. We had two top lines last week that could battle any sixsome in the league. First up was the Beanzy, Levi, and Ryland unit a.k.a. "The Ry-Le-Bean". This triple threat hooked up on over half of the Crush tallies and produced a plethora of helpers. The second scoring line was Stoney, Trottier, and Darby a.k.a. the "STD-line". This combo of old-ballz and 70's style pubic hair dominated the power play and scored six out of the seventeen total goals. Look for these six to hypnotize the opposition this season and to provide a close points race for the fantasy leagues.

Goaltending was a tense subject around the Crush locker room and on the bench early Sunday night. There seemed to be a giant pink elephant in the room that no one would acknowledge. Broadbridge has been out as of late nursing a severed spinal column and it has been a grey area whether or not he would even return to the game. To make matters worse Chewy was hopped up on pain killers and battling a two day hangover. It was a surprise, however, to see him let in 4 of 5 shots in the first period to start the season off with a whopping 0.200 save percentage. Patrick did manage to bounce back and not allow one bad period dictate a tone for the whole game. Broadbridge proceeded to dazzle fans with a speedy glove hand and his tight butterfly. Although we have yet to see the patented double pad stack with flag raised a.k.a. "The Dead Lobster", this blogger is confident that PB will keep a starting spot for the remainder of the season.

Side Notes:
-The Crush have, for the time being, retired the massage "Buffalo" painting. This weekly gift was given to the nights most selfish player (too many toe-drags, etc.).

-With a rebuilding attitude in the locker room the Crush are seeking more positive awards. One of which was deployed last Sunday. The "Angry Chicken" was given to Conor Darby for a slight loss of composure late in the third period. Conor was inches away from receiving a potentially fatal slu-foot. Conor retaliated by dropping the guy with a shoulder and then applying the death stare. The award itself is a rubber chicken wearing a spotted bikini. Also it makes noise when you squeeze it. I guess this thing has therapeutic value?

-The holy grail of accomplishments is still the Blue Crush MVP stick. This is a traveling trophy awarded to the games MVP selected by the previous recipient. Nominations are welcome, especially when voting for defensemen.

BOX SCORE:

First Period

1. Beanzy (Ryland)
2. Beanzy (Wade)
- Norsemen
- Norsemen
- Norsemen
3. Stoney (Darby, Monty)
- Norsemen
4. Beanzy (Ryland, Wade)
5. Darby (Bart, Monty)

Second Period

6. Levi (Ryland)
7. Ryland (Levi, Beanzy)
8. Bart (Ryland, Beanzy)
9. Darby (Levi, Beanzy)
10. Darby (Levi, Stoney)
11. Beanzy (Ryland)

Third Period

12. Ryland (Beanzy)
13. Levi (Beanzy, Nick)
14. Stoney (Beanzy, Monty)
15. Ryland
16. Darby (Stoney, Monty)
17. Ryland (Levi)

Next Game: Friday Oct. 31 @ 6:30am versus the Super Cocks
Beerman: Tom Soucek

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Crush Fantasy Forecaster: 2009 Season

After a disappointing championship loss last spring the Crush have regrouped over the summer and are ready for another season of Rocky Mountain beer league hockey. "What's frustrating is the fact that we went 25 consecutive games last session without a loss," reflects Crush Capt., Cody "Boom-Boom" Bart. "We had only one tie on the year. I think the three consecutive losses following the All-Star break had a fatal effect on the remainder of our season", states Boom-Boom. The 2008 season totals for the Crush are as follows: 30 wins, 5 losses, and 1 tie. The Crush out-scored the opposition 272-120. Goaltender Patrick "Chewbacca" Broadbridge recorded a career high 3 shut-outs. That being said, this little stat-pat on the back doesn't add up to a championship ring. (or a sweet looking embroidered hoodie)

The 2009 Crush are a mix of old saggy ballz, the usual suspects, and a couple of rookies. Here is your exclusive 2009 season fantasy forecast:

Levi "Prof. Plum" Shugart - look for P-Plum to lead the league in points for the eighth consecutive season. Many have tried, but no one can seem to take away his crown. Levi finished last season with a whopping 73 goals and 46 assists. With Shugart starting the season alongside Darby and Beanzy look for those numbers to increase.

Conor "Au Naturale" Darby - last seasons second in points was Conor Darby. Natty managed 84 points total with 43 goals and 41 assists. Conor is projected to break 100 points this season. If you see Darby hauling in a half rack of Oly, play him, and expect greatness.

Ryland "The Rookie" Nelson - this newbie will replace Crush veteran forward, Chris Edmunds. These may be some large breezers to fill, literally, but The Rookie's scouting report is very promising. Skating with league vets Kevin Stone and Monty Trottier will only secure him a high average time on ice and power play minutes.

Matt "Beanzy" Polzin - Beanzy managed to secure the number four spot in the Crush points race last season, and that was before the All-Star break. Polzin only graced the Crush bench for the first two-thirds of the season, when he was called up the the big show. Fantasy Forecast: if he is on the roster any given night.....play him!

Monty Trottier - it is good to see Monty wearing Crush blue for the second time in his lustrous career. With the former Dog Pack folding in the off season Trottier was picked up as a free agent. Although contract negotiations could take all season, look for Trottier to go in the first round of your fantasy draft.

Kevin "Stoney" Stone - this is another new acquisition form the former Red Army. Stoney is not only filling a forward spot, but he will also act as the third back-up goalie. Once the chemistry is there, look for Stoney on the Crush leader board.

Patrick "Chewbacca" Broadbridge - Chewy is currently listed as day-to-day (back), but make no mistake, he will be the Crush starting goalie. Expect PB to be a go in next Sunday nights game versus the Norseman.

Sleepers - there may be a few sleepers on the Crush blue line, as we saw in the season opener. The Crush defense are currently trying out some new pairings and that can only mean improvement. If you are interested in winning the fantasy cash, don't touch these guys unit the second round.

Next week the Crush host the Norsemen. Look for a dominating performance by the "Blue Riders of the Night". Good luck in the draft, this game should be a free-for-all.

Daily Pick of the Week: Pete Bondo - this Crush veteran of the point looks to grace the blue line with his presence Sunday afternoon. He generally starts the season with authority and is projected to rack up at least one goal and two assists. His penalty minutes alone make this d-man an easy choice.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

CRUSH-4-LIFE

The men in blue are gearing up for another season of Crush hockey. Sign up online between now and Sept. 16th. We should expect to see the same old motley crue with a few fresh faces. We all know that when the going gets fat the fat recruit new young talent! 

REGISTER AT  www.bozemanhockey.org